XOqNI

[tongueamok]

Hello, this is Carlisle. I mean, it's not Carlisle as in I'm actually answering you right now, so if you're trying to reply to me at the second, you should probably save your breath because I'm not really here. This is some kind of a recording of my voice, but this is my communicator. I'm going to assume these devices are as common here as they are in other places — not my world, but others, ones more technologically advanced than where I come from— so if you'd like to leave me a message, then you may do so here, or er... Right. Here is fine. So just leave yo— [beep]

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[glacius]

[Glacius starts off looking just slightly dubious, as a life of seclusion where he believes himself to be some bringer of misfortune seems fairly typical for Carlisle, and is something the alien has tried to start steering him away from. That's part of the reason they're doing this, after all! But as the clergyman continues on, a smile grows across the otherworldly being's features; to hear the normally self-isolating, defeatist man say he is better for the people he has met and the ways he has been challenged is... intensely gratifying and uplifting.

So much so that after a minute, Glacius can't resit; he uses the arm hooked around Carlisle to pull the clergyman tight against his body, burying his face in his partner's hair as he nuzzles and purrs.] All of the reasons you have stated have been good, valid reasons. But to hear that, Carlisle... to hear that you feel as though you are managing to find your way and that I have helped in that regard... to hear that you have found motivation in life... now that is truly something to be proud of. That shows strength, resilience, courage... that sets an example. Never forget that. Never forget how far you have come... nor how far you will go, so long as you keep these reasons clear in your mind.

[tongueamok]

[As uncertain as he is at being called an example of strength, resilience, and courage -- he might have those only fleetingly at any given point, after all -- Carlisle is happy to bask in the glow of pride that illuminates the alien's face, his beaming smile beyond encouraging. He hopes to feel that pride in some way, too. Perhaps he does, just a little.

Carlisle nestles closer as Glacius draws his remaining mandible through his hair, a shiver running down his spine at the sensation. He'd think about how much farther he can go with his newfound life if his mind didn't immediately turn to how little of said life he possibly has left. He has never been the optimistic sort, preferring to take himself away from his concerns with distractions rather than solutions.]

I will try to remember that, my friend. I will certainly try.

[But if all else fails, he'll have Glacius there to remind him.]

[glacius]

That is all that I ask. If it helps, you've been doing... very well so far. [Truly, the clergyman has come a long way since Glacius found him awfully drunk in his rooftop garden, or in his closet, hiding away as he did nothing but sob to himself and drink. The alien doesn't doubt that there will still be challenges ahead, moments where one of them is brought low and needs the other to pick them up and carry them through it... but they're getting better. Everything that they go through shows them just how solid what they've built is, while simultaneously building it up stronger.

The otherworldly being purrs softly as he mulls it over, continuing to preen at Carlisle. Then he stills and tilts his head, staring down at the clegryman through his now half-lidded green eyes.] Thank you for taking the time out to speak with me on things like this. The time we spend together... it makes our relationship even better. There is so much before us and I am so excited to share it all with you.

[tongueamok]

[Glacius' eyes are half-lidded, but Carlisle's are closed the entire way as he relaxes in his lover's arms.]

I never meant to hide so many of my concerns from you. It's freeing, in a way, to have someone to hear them... but frightening all the same.

[Which is one reason he's still trying to bury himself in Glacius' presence.]

[glacius]

Hm. The first part of that is to be expected, even desired, and I am very happy to hear it. You know that is one of the things that I strive for: to help relieve you of your burdens. But what is it about talking to me about these concerns that frightens you? Are you... worried you might disappoint me, or let me down some how? That I may think your worries make you weak?

[The alien pauses, smiles quietly, and makes another pass of his mandible through his partner's hair.] I should hope by now you know that will never be the case. I could never think less of you, Carlisle... we all have our troubles, and it would behoove me as your partner to listen with an open heart whenever I can.

[tongueamok]

I worry that carrying my burdens will weigh you down.

[His fingers curl against themselves as he presses his forehead to Glacius' chest, his eyes on his nails; they're clean for now, not a trace of ink beneath them, as there is some days.]

I worry that they will come for you.

[But he knows how Glacius feels about that -- there is no danger the icy warrior wouldn't face for his partner... but not all of them can be fought.]

I worry sometimes that the false gods might hear my concerns, and make them all the more real.

[They are trying to bleed emotions from their prisoners, after all. What better way than to make their greatest fears manifest? Carlisle knows how Glacius feels about such things, though. He cannot help his paranoia, and so he steers himself from it.]

We speak so often of my fears, but I wonder what it is that truly frightens you, what concerns you may have that dwell within your hearts. You seem so invincible at times, and so fragile at others. It is a conundrum, and one I don't know how to help.

[glacius]

[Glacius' operculum lift slight as he's about to respond to Carlisle's worry, but the human carries on and the alien waits patiently for him to finish. Maybe the clergyman knows how he feels about some of those concerns, but it can't hurt to reiterate; he stops preening and cradles his partner, holding him securely but tenderly against his chest, an air about him that no one else--human or ice alien--will ever see.] Your burdens will never weigh me down, Carlisle. It is the opposite-- you trusting me enough that you may share them with me and hope that I may help to ease them lifts me up. As for the false gods, or the nonbelievers, or anyone or anything else who may challenge or threaten what we have... let them come. I will defend you and the gift that you have given me with all that I am.

[He's in the process of puffing up when Carlisle diverts the attention to something completely unexpected, and Glacius deflates slightly.] You seem to have faith in the strength that I show... and yet... fragile? You are the only person who has ever called me that. I just...

[The otherworldly being pauses, his fingers curling against the clegryman's back as he reflects on his innermost concerns and finds what has been a sore point for him time and time again.] ... I don't want to lose any of my friends or loved ones, or even see them hurt. Protecting you all is the driving force of my existence, my highest calling. And yet this place... it always seems to find a way. It... just... [Glacius' brows furrow for a moment, and then he slumps, suddenly seeming exhausted--old, showing his age, his many long years of fighting and yet sometimes witnessing suffering with his gentle hearts, and he finishes:] ... weighs on me.

[tongueamok]

You blame yourself when something happens to us.

[That statement isn't accusatory, but very matter-of-fact; he's seen it before. Though Glacius tells Carlisle time and time again that he shouldn't blame himself for how things are, he turns around and does the same.]

Above all, I am concerned for what would happen to you should I vanish. You were so distraught over Kate, over Emily.

[Even Carlisle himself had been distraught over Emily. He still is, at times. He puts his hand to Glacius' face, tilting the alien's head upward so their eyes can meet.]

I saw you hardly able to take care of yourself through your sorrow, shattered by of loss. That is the fragility I mean.

[glacius]

How could I not? I am supposed to protect you all, it is my calling.

[Fitting for his exhausted slump, Glacius' tone doesn't sound bitter here, only exhausted. Calrisle doesn't linger on that subject for long, however, instead swerving right back around to his previous inquiry. The alien sighs.] I... am sorry you had to witness that ugly grief. Perhaps I should have been able to pull myself together... but if I was going to, it was going to take time. I've never lost someone like that before... to have someone that I was so close to just vanish? With so much between us left unsaid, with no chance to figure out what became of them in their own worlds... it was all too much. It was like there was this huge crater that had been blown open in my life, vast and empty. I... I didn't know what to do. There was nothing I could do about it.

At least with you I... know what's coming. I know to prepare, and to fight it, even if I haven't figured out how. I know to cherish every day that I have with you... and yet, it would still be so much worse if I were to lose you. You mean so much to me, have impacted my life in ways I never foresaw, have filled my days with companionship and happiness... there would be a void there, certainly.

I do not relish thinking about this--would rather focus on hope, as I am sure you know by now. But since you are asking... should something happen, we have to hold to the strength that we have shown each other, Carlisle. We would take time to grieve, yes, but we cannot allow ourselves to be consumed by it as we have in the past. So let's make a promise to push on. After all, no matter what happens, the day may come when we will see each other again... be it in this world, or in another plane. [And now, finally done muddling his way through this verbally, Glacius extends one hand towards Carlisle, open and palm up.]