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tongueamok| Hello, this is Carlisle. I mean, it's not Carlisle as in I'm actually answering you right now, so if you're trying to reply to me at the second, you should probably save your breath because I'm not really here. This is some kind of a recording of my voice, but this is my communicator. I'm going to assume these devices are as common here as they are in other places — not my world, but others, ones more technologically advanced than where I come from— so if you'd like to leave me a message, then you may do so here, or er... Right. Here is fine. So just leave yo— [beep] |
[voice]
Date: 2018-02-02 04:26 am (UTC)[Not that he fell for that, of course. Why would he? He wouldn't. Don't be silly. Let's never speak of this again.]
[voice]
Date: 2018-02-02 05:44 am (UTC)Is that what happened?
[Rey didn't dare ask what the hell was going on, but suspected that Atem had something to do with it. Little bastard.]
[voice]
Date: 2018-02-02 05:54 am (UTC)[Because if she didn't see how fervently he jumped to defend her, he'd prefer it stays that way.]
A lad with funny hair thought he'd get everyone's attention by slandering your name on the network.
[voice]
Date: 2018-02-02 06:26 am (UTC)Yeah, that sounds like the sort of shit he'd do...
[By "he", she is of course referring to Atem. Also "funny hair" is enough of a descriptor for her.]
[voice]
Date: 2018-02-02 06:28 am (UTC)[Though they apparently worked, as he did show up on her doorstep, so...]
[voice]
Date: 2018-02-02 06:54 am (UTC)[Which sums up a lot of people that Rey knows, really.]
[voice]
Date: 2018-02-02 07:05 am (UTC)[Carlisle himself could easily fit that description, especially given how their last face-to-face interaction went.]
I apologize for being, um. A nuisance myself, lately.
[He, too, meant well.]
[voice]
Date: 2018-02-02 10:34 am (UTC)No worries. It's not your fault. [It's hers, really. Or so she thinks.]
[voice]
Date: 2018-02-02 10:08 pm (UTC)[Both of them are, unfortunately, the type to shoulder blame when they ought not.]
I should have let you know we were coming, or thought for one second about what we might find there, but I- I wanted to help. I still do.
[voice]
Date: 2018-02-03 05:09 am (UTC)[Because that clearly didn't solve anything of her problems.]
Don't worry about that, though. Doubt there's anyone that can help. Not with this.
[voice]
Date: 2018-02-03 08:26 am (UTC)He instead comments on what he does find familiar.]
No, there isn't much to be done about loss... not by you, nor anyone else. I know that from experience.
[He knows that several times over.]
But may you take some small solace in the fact that there are still people here who care for your well-being, even if they do not know just how to show it.
[voice]
Date: 2018-02-03 10:58 am (UTC)That was never a question. [Rey might be pretty obtuse about these things in many ways, but her time among others has taught her this much, at least. She can't ignore the fact that people care about her any more than she can help caring about them.]
If it were just a matter of loss, it probably would've been easier. Have lost many people before.
This is... This was different.
[voice]
Date: 2018-02-05 12:13 am (UTC)How so?
[And that's his out-of-the-way method of asking Is it because she was your romantic partner?]
[voice]
Date: 2018-02-05 06:45 am (UTC)We had a... disagreement. To put it lightly. We didn't talk for a while.
It would have been better if she'd just let me die. At least then I wouldn't have to wonder what in the hell was going on in her head when she called you.
[voice]
Date: 2018-02-05 07:45 am (UTC)It'd—!
[Yeah, that's a tinge of anger in his voice. Carlisle bites it back as much as he can, but it's still there.]
You needn't wonder what it was she was thinking. Her concern for your well-being and desperation got keep you with her was obvious. She called me because she wanted you to live. So no, it would not have been better to just let you die, Miss Rey, and I won't listen to you spouting such nonsense.
[A heavy sigh follows, one forced out of him. What is it with people who have ample time to live -- or simply exist -- being so ungrateful for what they have? For what he can't have?]
[voice]
Date: 2018-02-05 08:24 am (UTC)[And that's what makes this so damned hard. To have her heart torn in every which way that it ripped her to pieces for weeks. The fear that this feeling will never go away sometimes makes her wonder if it's really worth it.]
Well, it doesn't matter now, does it? I'm alive and she's dead. She had nothing to go back to. [Her voice breaks, and there's a slam of her forehead hitting something hard.] Henry said there would be time for forgiveness, and we didn't even fucking have that. So sorry if I'm struggling with being able to take comfort in that shit.
[voice]
Date: 2018-02-05 10:00 am (UTC)[His own voice cracks as he struggles with his temper, so quick to flare when he is gripped by that clawing, bestial jealousy. He has thought about this before though, hasn't he? Wondered what reason he would have to go on if he lost his lover? Carlisle knows the answer, knows what depths he'd sink to -- he faced them time and time again in Bear Den, nearly suffocated beneath the crushing weight of his failed lineage, his isolation, and his impending, ever-encroaching demise.
And yet, he is still alive. He kept surviving year after year, knowing he had to use what time he had left to make his amends, to make himself worthy to his goddess... and to himself. He had accepted it would all end eventually before, that he had a limit to his existence; however, now that he has found a reason to not just survive, but to live, he so desperately wants more time, time he knows he will never have.
His death will leave a scar; he has to remember he is worth something, just as Rey is worth more than she knows, or at least gives herself credit for. He has had enough of this self-deprecation from Kate, and he refuses to hear it from Rey, too. His voice is still strained, but softer as he continues.]
Would you be happier were you dead, Miss Rey? Were you no longer here?
[voice]
Date: 2018-02-05 10:32 am (UTC)That's not the point. It doesn't matter whether I lived or died back then -- what matters is that she's fucking gone. Not to some better life away from all this shit. She's no longer here and no longer there. And don't you dare for a second act like you would so easily move on if the last thing Glacius ever told you were scathing words, then was taken away to die. How the fuck is anyone supposed to move on from that?!
At least if she'd left me for dead, I wouldn't have to come back hoping for her to answer for what she's done. Because I'll never get that! I'll never get to know if she really felt the same way I did! Do you -- someone who has the one you love right here and now, who you know how they feel for you -- even get what that's like?!
[Surprisingly, this might be the most Rey has ever spoken about the subject. But Rey wasn't very happy with Carlisle and Glacius' visit when they came to her. Two happily joined people seeing her shredded over such a loss like a damned spectacle. She knows that wasn't their intention. She knows they meant well. She knows that they didn't want to hurt her when she was still hurting. Yet it did, and she feels wretched for it.]
[voice]
Date: 2018-02-05 10:56 am (UTC)Almost. And yet, he holds his temper. She is lashing out in grief, he chides inwardly. He's done it loads of times himself, and has no doubt he will do it loads more times before he finally withers into nothing.]
I have not lost a partner, no. But I know well what it is like to lose someone and never know what it is they thought of you in their final moments. I know how it feels to- to not know if they still cared for you, or what they would do if they saw you now. Or to even know if they would love you in any regard. I-
[He chokes on something in his throat, his chest tight.]
I cannot fully understand your current pain, Miss Rey, but... I'm sorry. You were important to her, and you are important to me, and...
[He falls into silence. He couldn't make Kate see; how is he supposed to do anything for Rey, especially when she is grieving? When he knows he would be far weaker in her position? His guilt reinforces his envy, both robbing him of his voice and what fight he had in him, however briefly. He'll be dead soon anyway, leaving Glacius broken-hearted, having been damned to suffer such a loss with this relationship. That's a thought the alien would no doubt disagree with, but... Carlisle couldn't blame him if he did feel that way.]
[voice]
Date: 2018-02-05 11:25 am (UTC)[She's heard the words: Move on. Let her go. And while Rey understands what they're trying to do, it doesn't make this easier. It just makes her emotions more turbulent. Sure, she can try faking it, but how long can she really hold that before she explodes?
[Maybe her mourning hasn't been the healthiest, but hell -- what is supposed to be healthy?
[There's a moment pause, before she draws in a sharp breath. Never mind the fact that Carlisle just admitted that she means anything to him.]
Look, I know what you're trying to do, and that's appreciated. But I'm going to need more than a few damned weeks to figure out how the hell I'm supposed to even deal with this. So save the pep talk and help Rose instead. That's all I give a shit about right now. [Because there's no easy answer to whatever she's going through. There's still a huge hole in her heart that her mother's death left. It's never easy. Never has been.]
[voice]
Date: 2018-02-05 11:34 am (UTC)It... it isn't easy to move on from such a grievous loss, and perhaps you never will, but... I never meant to imply you should simply "get over it."
[Another breath, in and out. It shakes with the rest of him.] I... have found that devoting myself to others helps from time to time. As such, I will do what I can for Rose, Miss Rey.
[For both of their sakes.]
[voice]
Date: 2018-02-06 12:10 am (UTC)[And now, here they are. She's still here. Alive. And Maketh no longer is. Their relationship might not have lasted long, but Rey would be lying if she claimed not to care for the woman for much longer than that.
[Maybe Carlisle is right, and she never will recover. But she can't deny that there have been some things that only served to throw salt on her wounds.]
Good, you do that. Let me know if you need me for anything.
[She can't even bring herself to handle everything else Carlisle just said. All she wants is for this conversation to be over.]
[voice]
Date: 2018-02-06 12:44 am (UTC)[Hanging up now, the disconnect cutting off another, final sigh. He'll add to that the amends he must make to Miss Rey, his guilt as overwhelming as ever. Even in death, he will find no respite from it.
But he'll stave it off for now. He has another phone call to make.]