XOqNI

[tongueamok]

Hello, this is Carlisle. I mean, it's not Carlisle as in I'm actually answering you right now, so if you're trying to reply to me at the second, you should probably save your breath because I'm not really here. This is some kind of a recording of my voice, but this is my communicator. I'm going to assume these devices are as common here as they are in other places — not my world, but others, ones more technologically advanced than where I come from— so if you'd like to leave me a message, then you may do so here, or er... Right. Here is fine. So just leave yo— [beep]

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[tongueamok]

Then you will not do it at all.

[He swallows again, something catching in his throat as his energies, now riled by his temper, continue to cycle within his frame.]

Even if you were aiming to seal but a part of her powers, the risk would be too great for even the two of us. If we were to fail, he'd risk her coming after us, unleashing an even worse monster upon this place. And even if we were to succeed, there is no guarantee she [a stifled cough] could not be freed, or that we would be [and another] truly safe. There is no safety in this place.

[puzzlingly]

It doesn't have to know you were involved. 「It is his responsibility, he's made it his.」 I can do the rest, you know I can. I will not fail.

「He doesn't know that, no one does, but he's never given up, he's not gonna start now.」

This doesn't have to be a worse place than it already is.

[tongueamok]

It will know regardless. Activation of such a seal would take both of us, so unless you are planning to place a bag atop my head, I doubt I could [cough] hide my identity from it.

[He caves, his hand shaking as he takes his mug and sips from it, trying to soothe his throat. He returns his mug to the coffee table and leans back into his chair, hoping the enchantment will quell his temper.]

And that is assuming we could activate such a seal successfully, with all the inscriptions working without flaw.

[puzzlingly]

「Atem remains silent, if anything to give Carlisle just a little moment. Needless to say he feels awful for putting his mentor through such hard time.」

I can activate it alone. But that's the other part I need your help with. 「He adds, quietly.」

[tongueamok]

[Oh, Carlisle isn't going to even let him get to the other part.]

Right. You activate it alone and it proves too much for you to handle. What then?

[puzzlingly]

Why won't you trust me?

[tongueamok]

Answer my question, Atem.

[puzzlingly]

You answer mine.

「Yeah...」

[tongueamok]

[His nails dig into the chair, his teeth grinding with every word.]

I trust you to write a proper inscription, but I also trust you to get in over your head because of your stubbornness. Now answer me.

[puzzlingly]

「Is he truly thinking too highly of himself? That he doesn't have what it takes to so it? Every day he has to wonder that and the fact that Carlisle doesn't believe he can do it doesn't really help.」

I don't know. 「He finally answers without really look at the other.」 If I think that I'll fail, then I'll fail.

[tongueamok]

You will fail regardless for your bullheadedness. It would not be for lack of talent, but for pure brashness in thinking you would have the energies [another cough, this one heavier] and skill required to manipulate those energies properly all on your lonesome.

[He hacks again, bringing his hand to his mouth. Speaking of energies being out of control...]

I refuse to watch my student bring about his own demise for people who are undeserving of such sacrifice.

[puzzlingly]

My... bull-- 「It's impossible to get mad at that, for as much as Atem might be struggling, he utters a laugh, might be a desperate laugh more than anything, short lived and a little pathetic, making him bring a hand over his eyes.」

Who do you think you are to decide if my life is or not worth someone else's, Carlisle? I will not sit and wait, watching others being afraid of a demon. I will give my life for those I care about, again if I have to. And you, what can you say you've done with yours? Are you happy with the way you've lived your life? Or will you stay cowered until the very end? I am not you, I will not live a second life full of regrets when I can do something!

[tongueamok]

[Carlisle has so much he wants to say in response.

Who is he to decide? He's Atem's teacher, someone who has lost all his other students. He was so reluctant to take on another, so unwilling to force himself into a position where he might suffer another heartache, where he might watch his pupil -- and friend -- just vanish without a trace, so much like his entire family.

Afraid of a demon? It is less the demon herself and more what she can do to those he cares about. He can't face a possessed Atem the way he did Emily, having his skills and her gifts turned on him. He still has nightmares of that horrific event, sees the despair in Glacius' eyes again and again when he touches the mangled side of his partner's face, the hollow where his mandible used to be. Carlisle can't do it. Not again, not now... hopefully not ever.

Giving his life again? That sounds far too much like someone else he knows, someone he has argued with repeatedly over the value of her own life and why she should treasure it. Not everyone gets a second chance, or a third, or a fourth, or however many times this place and its gods will necromance a person. And when it comes to demons, the very soul could be tainted. Would they resurrect Atem again if he was poisoned by such a foul creature?

All he wants to say is tossed aside as Atem continues, turning the guilt and regret onto Carlisle himself. The creases of his face fall away as his expression falters, his eyes widening. What has he done with his life?

He knows the answer to that. He is the failure of the Longinmouth line, a man who only found his way in the world once he'd been drawn from it.

Is he happy he how he's lived it?

Until recently, he wasn't. Even now, he questions. He clings to what he has, so afraid to lose it all again. But if he could live it over, do things differently—

There's a twitch in his expression, along his cheek and under his eye as his frame stiffens. No, he can't think like that. If things were different, would he even have what he does now? Would he have his student, his friends, his partner? Would he be any happier were he someone else entirely, a man his lineage could be proud of? Or would he still be a coward, frightened of his end, desperate to make amends for his continued existence, his grip on life and reality so lax that he can no longer tell discern his own dreams from reality?

The light in his eyes ignites, the illumination so intense it nearly drowns out his pupils; his chair rocks as he pushes off it, too incensed to remain seated.]

What can you do?! March to your end and make a true enemy of a demon, all for the mere chance you might seal her?

[In his outburst, ink drips from between his teeth.]

And if you don't, what happens to you? She lashes out, or your own energies turn on you? What if you're the one who ends up sealed? What then?!

[He grabs at his abdomen as he sucks in a breath; it sounds strangled, and is immediately met with coughing, ink trailing through his fingers. He continues, despite choking on his words.]

And what do I do? What am I supposed to think when those around me cannot find value in their own lives? Cannot see just how it destroys those left behind? Why do they get this wondrous life full of chances, and I don't?!

[He seems to be given pause by his own question, an thought that has plagued him for years now escaping in his vehemence. He doesn't get the chance to ponder it, nor apologize, as he starts hacking again, viscous ink ravaging him as it pours out with every cough, suffocates him with each wheeze. Carlisle steps back as though to keep the ink off Atem, one leg nearly collapsing beneath him as he holds onto the back of his chair for support.]

[puzzlingly]

「A chance, he says, not understanding that even a little chance might be worth the effort and the sacrifice, this is not about him! Carlisle knows nothing about him! He's light whilst the demon is darkness, it's only natural to him to do it, it's his duty, he was born for this--!

But Atem swallows his words, seeing Carlisle getting worse by the second, he stops worrying about the topic at hand and he worries more for the priest himself. What a fool had he been.

Cannot see just how it destroys those left behind?

And then, the teen freezes at those words. It is not as if he was oblivious to the effects of what he did on those around him, but he had to do it! What good would it have been to have everyone die just he could live a little longer!? But it had never been about him, it had always been about those he loves, give them a chance at life. Had he marked them with his sacrifice? Had it been selfish? Listening to what he had always feared through Carlisle's voice is worse than he could have imagined. People had been to kind to answer his question, to soothe his fear — people move on, they don't forget but they keep on living — this is different, this is the anger and pain he had been dreading.

Had his cousin hated him this much when he left him alone with a country in ruins for him to deal with alone?

He doesn't have any answers. Did anyone? For a moment Atem merely stares at Carlisle, or through him, all these questions in his mind piling up. And then, he reacts, the coughs and the visage of the taller man bend under the pressure of his afflictions and the obnoxious black ink make him simply act without him thinking about it, moving to support Carlisle. He barely stops to think why the world has become a little blurry as warm threads run down his cheeks.」

[tongueamok]

[Though he stepped back from Atem just seconds before, he hasn't the strength nor intention to push him away this time; he lets his student support him as he steadies himself. He drags his sleeve along his jawline, wiping away most of the ink still lingering there before even attempting to meet Atem's gaze, shame still laced into his every feature. One of his own eyes is filled with ink, a black line trailing down his face; Atem's are brimming instead with tears, and Carlisle struggles to grasp why. Was it what he said striking a chord for once? Stress because of his outburst? Something else entirely?

He doesn't know. He doesn't ask just yet, either.]

I'm sorry.

[His voice is hoarse, barely above a whisper as he straightens up, bowing his head. The inky mess on the floor is all too much of a reminder that some stains cannot be washed away so easily. It would do him well to treat Atem better while he can. He would hate to go to the grave with his student's disdain rather than his friendship.]

It would behoove me to not spend what time I have left yelling at you.

[puzzlingly]

「It is not Carlisle who should be apologizing, it was Atem who had brought him to such state. If anything the man was right, again. They should not be discussing such grim matter when they truly don't know if it would be their last talk. But it is clear that Carlisle had hit a sore point, an entirely unresolved issue that he had been carrying for a long while now.

Is it truly worth it? Putting so much distress on those close to him for a questionable win? Ah, is it what it is? Just another game to win?

Atem's tears keep flowing effortlessly, not quite because of what Carlisle had or not said, he had simply opened a door he hadn't touched in a long time, letting out a series of repressed feeling, failures and the weight of his guilt — way too much for such a seemingly young man to bear. It's probably better this way.

Shaking his head he doesn't let go of his mentor.」

I needed that.

「He's prideful and stubborn, but not blind.」

[tongueamok]

[Carlisle's eyes remain lodged on the ground a moment more, transfixed by the ink; he forces himself to look away from the blackened pool, its perceived depths, though nonexistent, drawing him too far from reality. He cannot let that happen when his grasp upon it -- upon himself -- is so tenuous.

He puts a hand on Atem's arm; the touch is tentative, as though checking to make sure he is still there.]

Perhaps we both did. Still, such ramblings would be better suited for others. You do not deserve my ire.

[puzzlingly]

「Atem doesn't move away from his friend, not because he knows what Carlisle might be going through, but because he also needs him to be there, to ground him on his reality. He's no king, he has no real power to seal the demon, he has no right to give away the life he was given for a second chance, whether his Gods had intended him to last that long or not; and lastly, Carlisle, Atem should not be making his friend suffer so much, he should not be souring the little existence he might or not have, he should be there for him.

The teen dries his hears with his sleeve, trying not to give them so much importance.」

I... think I did. You gave voice to what some people would never dare to say, Carlisle. You have my thanks, for your honesty.

「And he attempts a little smile. It might be a little broken but it's genuine. He then brings up the page with the questionable notes, he gives it a through stare for a moment before he rips it in several pieces.」

[tongueamok]

Honesty need not come in the form of an outburst such as mine, but...

[Ever the self-deprecating one, Carlisle is. Still, he trails off as he meets Atem's smile with a nervous one of his own, one that shifts to a look of confusion as his student holds up his notes, then an expression of genuine gratitude as he tears them into pieces.]

Thank you. With what little relief is offered to me as I face my coming end, I can rest that much easier now... and perhaps turn my mind to what lies ahead, should I manage a miraculous recovery.

[He's not counting on one, but... it is nice to think about, far nicer than the thought of his student careening toward his demise at the hands of a demon -- or worse.]

[puzzlingly]

「Atem keeps the pieces in the pocket of his pants, in his mind, he's decided to set them on fire later.」

Anything for you... if it means it'll give you hope.

「What lies ahead is unknown, someone like Atem would rather focus on the present, but it is currently so grim for both of them that maybe looking forward to a brighter future might be the better option.」

... I'll make you some tea, and... If you're not too tired, can we run over those other notes? I was hoping I could help at reforesting the islands a little bit.

[tongueamok]

[Carlisle nods with a dry, relieved chuckle.]

Now there is a noble aspiration, and one that is within our grasp. You make the tea, and I'll take another look at those notes.

[Especially now that the middle page is out of the picture.]