XOqNI

[tongueamok]

Hello, this is Carlisle. I mean, it's not Carlisle as in I'm actually answering you right now, so if you're trying to reply to me at the second, you should probably save your breath because I'm not really here. This is some kind of a recording of my voice, but this is my communicator. I'm going to assume these devices are as common here as they are in other places — not my world, but others, ones more technologically advanced than where I come from— so if you'd like to leave me a message, then you may do so here, or er... Right. Here is fine. So just leave yo— [beep]

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[voice]

[tongueamok]

Once for not dying when you ought to, and again for troubling the Domu to come fetch your spirit, only for him to have to leave empty-handed.

[So apparently, once isn't enough.]

[voice]

[circumitus]

Guess that'd do it. Though I've died before. A lot. So that would probably make me about eight-times cursed or whatever. Lost count.

[Rey, no.]

[voice]

[tongueamok]

Perhaps whatever deities are watching over you are more favorable than mine.

[Not bitter at all.]

[voice]

[circumitus]

[She snorts.] Sure, if you could consider being deemed only ever good for killing people and not having any control over my life a thing some favorable god would do, in which case they can fuck themselves.

[Nice.]

[voice]

[tongueamok]

[Ouch.]

You are good for far more than killing people, Miss Rey. Whoever gave you such an idea was mistaken.

[voice]

[circumitus]

[Considering the way her relationships had been, Rey really has to wonder. But she'd be a hypocrite to argue, seeing what she's doing for Rose, who had been lacking in her own self-worth no better than Rey. In a way, she sees a lot of her own damned self in that woman.]

Sure. [She isn't really trying to be a sarcastic little shit this time; she's just all out of fight when it comes to this conversation. Besides, she doesn't want it to be true any more than those who try to tell her different.]

Anyway, think that's all bullshit. Who gets to decide when you "ought to" die? If you're alive now, then maybe that's because there still some things you need to do. You've done some good here, after all.

[You'd think they would have more than a few healers here, but. No. And Rey prefers Carlisle over doctors any day. So he's doing something right here.]

[voice]

[tongueamok]

[If only Rey could see how that comment made him smile, if only a little.]

I do what I can with what time I have been given, however short it may be. I am alive now by the grace of the Clarity, but people I have met from other worlds have been far kinder than they need be in regards to my affliction, yourself included. It's been... nice, admittedly.

[Rey has a friend in him whether she likes it or not, which comes in handy in those rare cases she needs a pocket healer.]

[voice]

[circumitus]

[That's Rey for you. While she doesn't seem like the type, she can be oddly encouraging and supportive. Who knew.]

Well, people are a lot nicer to me here than home as well. Not that it wasn't earned, but it helps not to be reminded of it every day. [And not to take the life she has for granted, even if that can be hard sometimes.] So, I can see what you mean.

[The vitriol some people had towards her was deserved, she won't lie about that. But she'll drown if she keeps going the way she had the last month.]

[voice]

[tongueamok]

You even have people riling up others across the communicators on your behalf.

[Not that he fell for that, of course. Why would he? He wouldn't. Don't be silly. Let's never speak of this again.]

[voice]

[circumitus]

[What.]

Is that what happened?

[Rey didn't dare ask what the hell was going on, but suspected that Atem had something to do with it. Little bastard.]

[voice]

[tongueamok]

Well, yes. Did you not know?

[Because if she didn't see how fervently he jumped to defend her, he'd prefer it stays that way.]

A lad with funny hair thought he'd get everyone's attention by slandering your name on the network.

[voice]

[circumitus]

[Sigh.]

Yeah, that sounds like the sort of shit he'd do...

[By "he", she is of course referring to Atem. Also "funny hair" is enough of a descriptor for her.]

[voice]

[tongueamok]

I informed him I was not terribly fond of his methods, and that I found them grossly inappropriate.

[Though they apparently worked, as he did show up on her doorstep, so...]

[voice]

[circumitus]

Mn, he means well, even if he's infuriating while doing it.

[Which sums up a lot of people that Rey knows, really.]

[voice]

[tongueamok]

Hn. Right.

[Carlisle himself could easily fit that description, especially given how their last face-to-face interaction went.]

I apologize for being, um. A nuisance myself, lately.

[He, too, meant well.]

[voice]

[circumitus]

[It at least has enough self-awareness of that fact in hindsight, or at least cares. It's more than Rey can say for some.]

No worries. It's not your fault. [It's hers, really. Or so she thinks.]

[voice]

[tongueamok]

It is, Miss Rey.

[Both of them are, unfortunately, the type to shoulder blame when they ought not.]

I should have let you know we were coming, or thought for one second about what we might find there, but I- I wanted to help. I still do.

[voice]

[circumitus]

To be fair, it's hard to get an advance notice with my phone in the blender.

[Because that clearly didn't solve anything of her problems.]

Don't worry about that, though. Doubt there's anyone that can help. Not with this.

[voice]

[tongueamok]

[It's like everything Rey says just raises more questions. What is a blender? Why was her phone there? Why does he get the creeping feeling that this has something to do with technology, and as such, he'd rather not know the answers anyway?

He instead comments on what he does find familiar.]

No, there isn't much to be done about loss... not by you, nor anyone else. I know that from experience.

[He knows that several times over.]

But may you take some small solace in the fact that there are still people here who care for your well-being, even if they do not know just how to show it.

[voice]

[circumitus]

[She scoffs.]

That was never a question. [Rey might be pretty obtuse about these things in many ways, but her time among others has taught her this much, at least. She can't ignore the fact that people care about her any more than she can help caring about them.]

If it were just a matter of loss, it probably would've been easier. Have lost many people before.

This is... This was different.

[voice]

[tongueamok]

[Carlisle quiets down at that scoff -- he just wanted Rey to know he cares, and will figure out how to express it one day. For now, he has other questions.]

How so?

[And that's his out-of-the-way method of asking Is it because she was your romantic partner?]

[voice]

[circumitus]

[If only it was that simple.]

We had a... disagreement. To put it lightly. We didn't talk for a while.

It would have been better if she'd just let me die. At least then I wouldn't have to wonder what in the hell was going on in her head when she called you.

[voice]

[tongueamok]

[There's a second of silence, then what sounds like it might be an indignant scoff on his end.]

It'd—!

[Yeah, that's a tinge of anger in his voice. Carlisle bites it back as much as he can, but it's still there.]

You needn't wonder what it was she was thinking. Her concern for your well-being and desperation got keep you with her was obvious. She called me because she wanted you to live. So no, it would not have been better to just let you die, Miss Rey, and I won't listen to you spouting such nonsense.

[A heavy sigh follows, one forced out of him. What is it with people who have ample time to live -- or simply exist -- being so ungrateful for what they have? For what he can't have?]

[voice]

[circumitus]

[Rey isn't so obtuse that she misses the irony of what she's saying. For the things she literally just told Carlisle, and has been repeating such phrases to others like a mantra, it's easier to overlook her own self as an exception. That she isn't as deserving of the right to live than (almost) anyone else.

[And that's what makes this so damned hard. To have her heart torn in every which way that it ripped her to pieces for weeks. The fear that this feeling will never go away sometimes makes her wonder if it's really worth it.]

Well, it doesn't matter now, does it? I'm alive and she's dead. She had nothing to go back to. [Her voice breaks, and there's a slam of her forehead hitting something hard.] Henry said there would be time for forgiveness, and we didn't even fucking have that. So sorry if I'm struggling with being able to take comfort in that shit.

[voice]

[tongueamok]

We don't always get what we want in this life, Miss Rey, but I'll be damned if you disregard what might have been your partner's dying wish by saying it doesn't matter, or by acting like you don't matter when you clearly do!

[His own voice cracks as he struggles with his temper, so quick to flare when he is gripped by that clawing, bestial jealousy. He has thought about this before though, hasn't he? Wondered what reason he would have to go on if he lost his lover? Carlisle knows the answer, knows what depths he'd sink to -- he faced them time and time again in Bear Den, nearly suffocated beneath the crushing weight of his failed lineage, his isolation, and his impending, ever-encroaching demise.

And yet, he is still alive. He kept surviving year after year, knowing he had to use what time he had left to make his amends, to make himself worthy to his goddess... and to himself. He had accepted it would all end eventually before, that he had a limit to his existence; however, now that he has found a reason to not just survive, but to live, he so desperately wants more time, time he knows he will never have.

His death will leave a scar; he has to remember he is worth something, just as Rey is worth more than she knows, or at least gives herself credit for. He has had enough of this self-deprecation from Kate, and he refuses to hear it from Rey, too. His voice is still strained, but softer as he continues.]

Would you be happier were you dead, Miss Rey? Were you no longer here?